The season of Lent is now upon us. Probably the most recognizable tradition for Lent is to give up something for six weeks. Personally, I’ll be fasting from several things because I’m holy like that. My Lent will be free from Rachael Ray, grape soda, Hugh Grant movies, In-a-Tub restaurants, Anime, and the game of ‘Cranium.’

Come to think of it, I’ve been fasting from all of these for several Lents in a row…as well as all year long. We all have to make sacrifices though. Depriving myself of these pleasures is my cross to bear.

There was a time when my roommate and I lived nearby a predominately Hispanic neighborhood. One day we decided to wander over to their seemingly everyday grocery store. It was a chain store, and seemed normal enough. But once inside, we spent literally an hour gawking at all the ‘ethnic’ foods (as they like to be called.) I’m talking about cow tongues sitting right next to the steaks, 5 gallon buckets of lard, random entrails bagged up, festooned with bright ‘ESPECIAL’ stickers. It was an entertaining day at the store. The Chinese grocery store was also memorable, but in a much different way…

One day, which happened to be about a month before Easter, I happened to stop in at the local Taco Bell (in the same neighborhood.) Since the neighborhood was Hispanic, it was also primarily Catholic. Taco Bell had a prominent sign by the menu.

Maybe your thoughts turn to God in a thoughtful Lenten liturgy,

But nothing makes me cry to Jesus like a 7 layer burrito.

Now, some of you who don’t live in predominately Catholic areas may balk at such “abject commericalism.” But this has been going on for a long time, and other restaurants do this, and my perspective is that Taco Bell is just trying to cater to their customers.

Besides, what I fixate on moreso is the implication that a Caramel Apple Empanada could contain meat, but is available without meat for the religious types who request it.

Customer: I’d like an Apple Empanada.

Taco Bell employee: Yes sir. Beef, chicken or steak in that?

Customer: Oh no, hold the meat. I’m…”lenting.”

Lenting” is the word for observing Lent. Look it up. It sounds weird to say you’re ‘celebrating’ Lent. What is Lent about? Repentance and solemn inner reflection? Woooo, LENT! Doesn’t sound like a party to me.

Second, I think about what if Taco Bell had been around in Jesus’ time. What if Jesus really fed 5,000 people with 5 soft tacos and two packets of hot sauce? Or Satan tempted Jesus to turn stones into Nachos Bell Grande.

Now just because I feel Taco Bell is making an innocent and innocuous business choice, that doesn’t make it a good choice for lenting Christians to buy. I have never been surrounded by people who are serious about giving stuff up for Lent. My impression is that it’s supposed to remind us of Christ’s sacrifice. If there’s anyone who can correct me on this, please do.
Regardless, how awesome is it to say:

Friend 1: ‘Hey, we’re going out for burgers, you in?’

Friend 2: ‘Aw, no. No meat for me. It’s Lent.’

Friend 1: ‘I don’t know how you do it. You are dedicated.’

Friend 2: (Unintelligible speech. Mouth and both fists are full of CinnaTwists

There’s a lot of us who ought to fast from hamburgers and tacos and a lot of other stuff for Lent. But those old reward receptors in our brains keep firing off. Seems we can’t make one sacrifice without rewarding ourselves for our piety by indulging in something else. Let’s say I give up take out pizza from Domino’s. How holy is it to do that, if I just replace it with an Oreo pizza from Domino’s? I may have a beard, and beards look holy. But it will be made out of Oreo crumbs fused to my face, which may betray my piety.

What are you giving up for Lent? Will you be filling the hole in your heart left by McDonald’s with mass-produced, mexican-style foodstuffs? What’s your interpretation of the meaning of Lenten fasting? How many of you were offended that a mega-corporation actually acknowledged a religious observance? How many of you noticed that my story about the grocery store was completely irrelevant? Have you ever poked a cow tongue through a thin layer of plastic wrap?

Have a great weekend, and a great Lent, everyone.

“For the next five weeks, our sermon series will be about SEX.”
Your pastor announces this. What is your reaction?
a.) ‘Sweet.’ b.) ‘Gross.’

As we wrap up our February ‘love month,’ I’ve got one more topic to discuss. It’s a seemingly recent fad going around many churches these days, the apparently obligatory sex sermon/series.

Don’t try to cover for this by calling it a series on ‘relationships.’

I figured this is probably one of those things that you either love or hate, and Christians will probably be very divided on whether preachers talking about sex is a good thing or not. If there’s one thing Christians like to do, it’s having a difference of opinion, but I know we can be civil here.

To be honest, I can’t even decide if it’s a good or bad thing. Since I can’t make a decision, and in the interest of fairness, it’s time for another ‘point/counterpoint!’

Pro/Con: Sexy Sermons

Pro: Sex sells.
We all know that sex sells. Sex sells because people WANT it. Sex can sell magazines or sermons. You advertise a tantilizing sermon topic, and people suddenly find church is no longer ‘irrelevant.’ Case in point: you were probably doubly intrigued with today’s topic because it had the word ‘sex’ in it. In fact, my Google search traffic is almost guaranteed to increase because of the copious usage of ‘sex’ in this post. And that’s a good thing.

Wife: (tries to wake husband on Sunday morning)

Husband: ‘I don’t want to go. I’ll just fall asleep during the sermon anyway.’

Wife: ‘Oh, I don’t think you will today…’

Wife: ‘What did you think of church today?’

Husband: ‘BEST. SERMON. EVER.’

Wife: ‘I especially like the preacher’s third point. What do you say we try that out tonight?’

Con: Sex sells what? Itself?
To be honest, most products that sex sells really exist to sell sex. Do men’s magazines offer any cultural value to once the sex has sold them? If a guy says he subscribes to Playboy to read the interviews, even if he can say that with a straight face, he is a liar.

Besides that, after we try to sell a sermon with sex, we’re going to tell half the people out there not to buy it.

Pastor: ‘Um…all you single people, just tune out. Your message for the day is ‘don’t do it.’ And all of you really really old people probably don’t need to listen either. In fact, I’d rather you didn’t listen. But you probably can’t hear me anyway, so it’s all good.’

Pro: People like to talk about sex
Let’s face it. Sex wouldn’t sell so well if people didn’t like it. People like sex in everything – TV, magazines, jokes, casual conversation, movies, music. If we liked anything else as much, it would be absurd. Can you imagine people liking waffles like they like sex? There’s a limit to how many waffles one can eat. But sex? Just sprinkle a little in here and there and it makes everything better! Sex is many things – it’s fun, intimate, natural, even funny sometimes. Besides, we’re all adults here.

Con: No one likes to talk about sex in mixed company
The funniest sex joke becomes absolutely unfunny when you’re with the wrong people. For example:

Dude is out with friends. One friend tells a hilarious sex joke.

Dude laughs hysterically. Sex jokes are funny.

Dude’s mom for no reason shows up and joins dude and his friend.

Sex is no longer funny.

That’s a best case scenario among non-Christians. Now ratchet that discomfort up to 11. That’s how sex in church feels. IN-A-PRO-PRIATE! You might even think this blog post is inappropriate, or that sex is never funny at all, and I’m probably not a Christian for suggesting it can be. That’s okay, that’s how some people feel. Point is this: No one liked having ‘the talk’ as a kid or a parent. Why would we want to relive that in church?

I avoided watching movies with my family for the last 10 years I lived with them for this exact reason. If I laughed at the joke, they knew that I knew what that was. And then we’d have to talk about it. I don’t need that in my life.

Pro: The Bible talks about sex
Like it or not, and contrary to some theories, the Bible does not treat sex as evil. Every ‘dirty’ thought you’ve had is part of God’s plan…unless it’s really dirty, then you’re a sinner.

Con: The Bible doesn’t talk about sex that much
Where does the Bible give a five week sermon series on sex? What kind of application can we gain from the Bible on sex?

Ruth seduces Boaz: don’t do that.

Paul discusses temple harlots: don’t do that.

David and Bathsheeba: don’t do that.

A pastor would have to do a lot of ‘interpretation’ of the Bible to come up with a whole message, let alone a whole series on sex.

Pro: We let the world control sex
Our policy of ‘not talking about sex’ hasn’t exactly worked out. The world has a monopoly on sex education. Children move from locker room talk to sex ed to the internet to the backseat of a car with little intervention from the people who are supposed to be the moral guardians in their lives. Kids don’t even know why they shouldn’t have sex before marriage, they just know the church doesn’t talk about it. Then those kids grow up, not knowing how to talk about sex intelligently, and their kids grow up the same way.

Con: Just because we should talk about it, that doesn’t make the Pastor the church expert on sex
We do expect pastors to have healthy marriages. But even if he is in a healthy marriage, it doesn’t make him an expert on sex. There’s probably a bunch of people in the congregation, much much older than the pastor, who could talk circles around him in a discussion about sex. But no one wants to hear those people. That might be gross. Like Dr. Ruth. If you need to know about sex, go to Barnes & Noble, not church.

Old woman: (thinking) ‘This new young preacher is terrible. I know more about sex than you ever will, Sonny! Now that dear old Pastor Smith, like a true master in the art of love.’

In conclusion…I have no conclusion. Where do you stand? What other points for or against have I missed? Do the churches need to bring sexy back? Or is it gross?

Hey blog friends! Thanks so much for reading my blog, including you new readers. Your dedication to visiting and commenting always warms my heart, and that’s good karma!

Did I just say karma?

What does karma even mean? No one in America seems to know what it means, but it’s a pretty popular word to casually throw around. Just sprinkle it randomly into conversation, and people will think you’re enlightened and trendy. It’s like if you have a bunch of stuff in your house from Pier One, like a vase full of colored balls, or a little Buddha statue or a big metal thing on your wall that even you don’t know what it is. People see it and they don’t know what it is either, so they respect you for having things in your house they’ve never even heard of.

Betty: That is a lovely…decoration on your wall!..Er…What is it?

Wanda: …You know I don’t know. But the guy wearing the capri pants at Pier One said it makes good ‘karma.’

Betty: Oh, I think you mean ‘fun sway.’

Wanda: Oh you’re right. But it’s probably good ‘karma’ too.

Although the word means a lot more to people in eastern cultures, over here karma serves the same purpose as exotic looking furniture, or ‘soul patches,’ or glasses with fake lenses.

Christians don’t seem to be sure what to do about karma because Jesus never talked about it. Is it okay to use? Do we frown on it? Do we try use it just to be hip? The only reason karma is cool these days is because it’s a different culture’s word for a concept that we already know.

It’s called, ‘The Golden Rule.’

But the Golden Rule just can’t hold up to the awesome latte sipping hipness of karma. Karma sounds like a mysterious and exotic belly dancer whispering breathlessly in your ear. The Golden Rule sounds like a schoolmarm rapping your hand with a ruler.

I actually heard a (young) Sunday school teacher at a church I used to attend correct a couple of kids by saying, ‘You know, there is such a thing as karma.’ I was stunned. I wanted to rush in and say, ‘No no, no there isn’t, don’t listen to her, kids. What goes around does not come around. Your deeds or misdeeds to others will never be repaid after you die.’ But that didn’t sound right.

Christians have tried to come up with their own cliche phrases with vague meanings to substitute for ‘karma.’ ‘Love on’ or ‘In Christian love’ are viable alternatives to ‘karma.’ You say those enough, you’re covered in the afterlife. But even these popular phrases fail to infuse the user with the same levels of awesomeness experienced by the ‘karma’ user. ‘Love on’ is like a hip looking trinket in your friend’s house, and she says it’s from Pier One, of course. But then when she’s not looking, you flip it over and the tag says ‘TJ Maxx: CLEARANCE.’

The word ‘karma’ is hip because ‘eastern’ themed décor is hip right now. 99% of all the Buddhas, elephants, and African tribal statues that places like Pier One sells are purchased by people who will never believe in Buddha, African spirits or elephants. It’s all for those people who say ‘I’m spiritual, just not religious.’ If Jesus were a jolly, fez wearing elephant genie, you wouldn’t be able to keep him on the shelves, he’d be so hip. I guarantee it.

Who knows, maybe in China’s version of Pier One, they sell Jesus trinkets like crazy because they think Jesus is novel and cute and will bring them good luck if they rub his belly. Sounds offensive, doesn’t it? I think it swings both ways, but that’s just me.

A couple of weeks ago I was attempting to find a parking space at the grocery store, and I was stopped behind a guy who was waiting for someone else to get in his car and leave. He had a bumper sticker that simply read ‘Karma,’ which I found ironic, given what a tool he was being in the parking lot.

But he also had a ‘Darwin fish’ on his car. That’s a Jesus fish with legs, and it’s an abomination.

I found it curious that a dude with ‘Karma’ on his car would also be a Darwinist. Do Darwinists believe that ‘what goes around comes around?’ That we should treat others as we would like to be treated?

Imagine the world, as Darwin envisioned. Animals are all jostling to climb the evolutionary ladder, natural selection, survival of the fittest, etc, etc. What happens when an animal decides he’s going to take a more karma-centered path; to treat other animals as he would like to be treated?

Antelope #1: You know, Bob, I’ve lived a while now, and I realized the other day that I have never thought of anyone but myself. If I wanted something, I took it. Didn’t matter how it made the other animals feel. After all, we’re all equal in the sight of the non-existent creator. I’m going to start doing good deeds for others. I’m going to think of others before myself.

Antelope #2: You know what, you’re ri…

Tiger: (violently mauls both antelope, takes only two bites of each because he just ate a wildebeest but just had a hankering for antelope, throws leftovers in river so no one else can share, obviously flaunting the ideals of ‘karma.’)

Have you heard ‘karma’ being thrown around? At church? What do you think – is it a word Christians can successfully annex for our own use, or do we need to come up with another, equally hip word to summarize ‘the Golden rule?’ Confession time: how many pieces of furniture or decoration do you have in your house that’s ‘eastern culture’ themed?

Where two or three are gathered in his name, everyone will try to look like the best Christian in the room.

Making small talk has a purpose: to get to know someone, either as a friend, or maybe on a date. You might ask about families, jobs, hobbies, whatever comes to mind. But Christians seem to have an entirely different set of questions. Suddenly, small talk is no longer about shooting the breeze or having a casual conversation, but cutting the heart of life’s questions. It’s almost like Christians like to challenge one another for their own pride.

“You have insulted my integrity! I challenge you to a duel.”

I’ve never been good at small talk. And I’m even worse when someone fires these questions at me. I’ve compiled three questions everyone needs to be able to answer when engaging in Christian small talk.

Three Questions You Have to Be Ready to Answer

What is your calling?
When people ask this question, what they mean is that God must have a ‘grand and glorious plan’ for your life. This question is very similar to ‘Where is God calling you?’ It’s obvious they don’t think you are following your true calling, because if you were, you would be somewhere else. Only if you are super-successful do people not ask you what your calling is. No one asks Joel Osteen what his calling is. Isn’t it obvious? How could he be so successful at what he does unless it was his calling?

Funny thing is, I’ve been asked this even by new acquaintances – right after I tell them I pastor a church. Just to be clear – there is absolutely no reason on this earth that makes being a (real) pastor a worthwhile career, unless you feel you are called to do so. I love my people, but the work and the emotional output it takes is only sustained by a calling/curse from God.

What if I answered that I felt my calling was that of Isaiah? That I was to preach until God destroyed everything and killed everyone? That might end the conversation rather quickly.

The older I get, the more thankful I am for other peoples’ callings. There are so many people who do the work I cannot do. And they aren’t the type of jobs that people care about if you’re called to do or not. In fact, we don’t even talk about ‘being called’ when we talk about all the ‘regular,’ non-ministry work that keeps the world running.

What is God doing in your life?
I never know what to say to this question. People who ask this assume that God is running all over the place 24/7 ‘doing’ things for me. Sure, you get a room full of fifty people, and two or three are bound to have an answer, but for one guy – that’s pretty intimidating.

One guy, a preacher type, always has a lot to report. It’s always something like, “Last Sunday, I was preaching, and I saw Satan fall from the sky like lightning. And then the sky opened on me and a voice came from heaven and said, ‘this is my Son, with whom I am well pleased.”

And everyone else whispers ‘Amen,’ like we’re not jealous. “God sure is spending an awful lot of time at that church! Looks like someone in our congregation isn’t tithing enough…Judith.”

What if I said, ‘nothing?’ That’s what I’m thinking most of the time. Sounds like I’m not much of a Christian, or I’m making God look bad. Just make something up, for crying out loud!

But really, what has God done for me lately?

He didn’t crash a firey meteor into me from outer space, vaporizing me in a vast radioactive crater, which on most days I probably deserve. That’s nothing.

My marriage stayed in tact. In a way, nothing has happened there.

My body didn’t get sick. Again, nothing.

My car didn’t blow up. Nothing.

No one I know died. Nothing.

Nothing has happened! Everything stayed just as good as yesterday!

Looks like nothing is actually something. Suddenly, being Steady Eddy with nothing to report sounds pretty good! Based on the attention God gave people in the Bible – sending plagues, raining fire, turning them into salt, turning them leprous, etc, I’m okay with ‘nothing’ most days. I don’t need that kind of attention from God.

What’s your “life verse?”
While other people are pulling out pictures of their kids or some fish they caught, Christians love to compare ‘life verses.’ If they’re two single people, it’s almost like their hitting on each other with really bad pick-up lines.

The first time I was asked this, I didn’t know what to say. It was our first week back at a Christian college and our resident assistant wanted to display our life verses on our door. Since I was undisciplined at scripture memorization, nothing came to mind. So I sneakily copied the Bible reference my roommate had jotted down. “Romans 12:2,” sounded good enough.

The next day, we had our life verses taped to our door. Our door read:

“Do not copy the behavior of this world…”

“Do not copy the behavior of this world…”

Hmmm…probably best if I actually picked out a real life verse, just to save face next time. It was still better than the guy who wrote down a Max Lucado verse though. So I tried to find the verse about God having a grand and glorious plan for my life, but I must have had the wrong translation. I also tried to find that verse about the footprints, but no go. So the next time someone started getting up in my grill over a life verse, I busted out Hebrews 13:8, which is a genuine favorite of mine, and the closest thing to a life verse I have.

Other guy: (has to look up verse in Bible) “…Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever?”

Me: “Yeah, that’s right. That’s my life verse.”

Other guy: “Really…I’ve never heard that one before. How has it guided you in your walk?”

Me: “…What?..Guided?..Walk?”

Other guy: “Well you know, for it to be a ‘life verse,’ it has to, you know be that beacon of light that guides your faith and life above all else.”

Me: “Oh…I use the whole Bible for that.”

Other guy: “Wel…I kno…(exasperated)…like when you don’t have time to read the Bible?”

Me: “You mean, what verse do I sum up the whole of God’s revelation in, to use when I’m sad like a good luck charm?”

Other guy: “Well…no.”

Me: “Do I still get points for stumping you with a verse you hadn’t heard of?”

Other guy: “…No.”

Those life verse people are tough!

So what’s your calling in life? Is God doing anything in your life these days? Do you have a life verse? (I really don’t look down on you – I feel like I’m missing out!) Feel free to answer any or all of those questions, or tell me you don’t believe in other people getting in your personal bid’ness.

Also, I won’t be blogging this Friday, but that doesn’t mean I’ll be depriving you, dear readers. Come join me at Stuff Christians Like for some Friday fun!

Ah, love is in the air.

As I look at my life – married to a loving wife – it seems to have happened so fast. But we know growing up is slow when you’re a kid. It takes a long time to be ready to fall in love, to be married. Children love a lot of things before they learn to love someone else enough to marry them.

The Church of No People Institute for Higher Learning has outlined the ‘Five Phases of Love,’ based, in general, on what children love, as they grow toward actually loving another human being. Maybe your phases overlapped, or went by different names, but I think we’ll find a common thread here. You can tell me what your childhood obsessions were before you discovered the other gender.

The Phases of Love in Boys and Girls

Girls Phase One: Barbie
Girls start out really early trying to ‘find themselves.’ They seem to want to learn how to be beautiful, how to be mommies, how to be a ‘big girl’ (or a princess.) So they love dolls, they love playing ‘house,’ they love to do and be everything mom does. I don’t know what drives girls to do this. Boys don’t seem to seem so preoccupied with trying to figure out how to be grown up. Maybe it’s in our DNA – the girls will figure out how to be adults, marry the boys, then tell them how to be adults.

Boys Phase One: Legos
Case in point. The girls are over there, getting business done, and all the boys are doing is sticking blocks together. Now, I know that boys are supposed to have ‘analytical minds,’ and that our prehistoric engineering instincts are at work when boys play with Legos. But I have another theory as to why boys love Legos: it’s fun to smash things. Your little genius isn’t going to be the next great engineer. He’s getting ready to play ‘Godzilla.’

Girls Phase Two: Horses
Once girls figure out that Ken will never do what Barbie tells him to do, now matter how much she nags, she moves on from playing house, and has the equivalent of a mid-life crisis. Where a middle-aged recent divorcee might get a smoking hot car, a little girl fantasizes about being whisked away on a beautiful white horse…with rainbow hair…and sparkly feet.

Boys Phase Two: Ninja Turtles
Girls begin to love animals about the same time boys do. But while girls are obsessed with graceful creatures with flowing manes prancing across a flowery meadow, boys are obsessed with oversized mutated amphibians who live in a sewer, eat pizza, and smash things. Makes sense.

Girls Phase Three: Boys
Finally, girls grow out of dolls and horses. They also seem to lose any semblance of intelligence or self-control as they become giggly little hyenas. The girl is now ready for years of obsessive swooning over yearbook photos, awkward dances, and laughing with her friends in such a way that is completely repellant to boys.

Boys Phase Three: World of Warcraft
Sure, maybe boys at this point like girls. Or at least, they like them in principle. Maybe they’ll even take a step towards temporarily obtaining a girl. But really, boys are obsessed with getting home from school, booting up the computer, and logging a marathon game for hours of questing and smashing things.

Phase Four: Marriage
Phase four is finally the phase when both genders meet in the common, desperate struggle to not be left alone. Suddenly, you find half your friends are married, and the market is shrinking at an alarming rate! Quick, do some sit ups, comb your hair, pull yourself together! Finally landed the right person? Whew. Breathe a sigh of relief. Now be attached to that person 24/7. Call each other stupid mushy names. Say you’ll ‘die’ if you ever have to leave each other overnight. How sweet.

Hopefully, you remain in this phase for a long time, but the honeymoon can’t last forever.

Women Phase Five: Tupperware
Tupperware parties, basket parties, candle parties, soap parties, scrapbooking parties, chocolate parties. Any hobby which gets you away from your man for a while. Maybe you picked Tupperware at random, not because you like it, but because you know your husband will never want anything to do with it.

Men Phase Five: ESPN
Twenty-four hours a day: grown men with the physique you’d like to have, on a ball field – smashing each other.

How did your love phases go? What were your childhood obsessions that you eventually grew out of (hopefully)?

Valentine’s Day is upon us. That means that many of us will be giving gifts, or going on special dates. Some of us will be hoping for a first date with someone. Others will be planning a date with a spouse of many years. Some dates will be magical, others ordinary and a select few will be awful. The rest of us will skip Valentine’s Day, because we give up.

So I’ve got some advice to keep your Valentine’s date from being a total failure. Whether you’ve been married a long time or are heading out for a first date, there’s some advice that bears mentioning to everyone, because some of us are forgetful. Or just insensitive jerks.

Just so you know, I was a huge ladies man before I got married, which the ultimate show of being a ladies man. I mean, I liked ladies. I even spoke to a few. But I did have enough dates to have gone through some lousy dates. And it’s always fun to learn from our failures…or our dates’ failures, which is what I’ve done here. At the end, you can share your advice or worst date stories!

Now, I’ve worded this as a guy who dated girls, but if you’re a girl, the advice still goes.

Good Idea/Bad Idea: Going on a Date

Good Idea: Double Dates
Hey, double dates are fun. They ease the pressure for two new acquaintances. For married couples, they’re a fun way to share an evening with friends. Conversation and laughs often flow easier when four people are involved.

Bad Idea: Tricycle Dates (Double Dates Minus One)
It’s not a good sign when the other guy (or girl) doesn’t show up. Now I know what you’re thinking. I tell you I had a date with two sweet ladies. ‘What’s the problem, Matt? I don’t see a problem. Sounds like you’re my new hero.’ Well let me tell you, nothing turns the second lady into a mumbly third wheel faster than being spurned by her date. If you show up to a double date and there’s just one person joining you, sit your date down with the other lady and suggest a ‘girl’s night;’ then run out of there! You cannot salvage the evening for you and your date. You cannot switch off and date the other girl for half the night. You don’t have it in you. If only I could go back and tell young me that advice that fateful night.

Good Idea: Flowers
Gifts of all kinds are awesome. Everyone likes presents. For some reason, girls like flowers. Gifts are a fun and unique way to show affection.

Bad Idea: Gas Station Flowers
I lump all bad gift giving into the category of ‘gas station flowers.’ Flowers are naturally a good gift. Flowers from a gas station are naturally an insensitive, crappy gift. There are all kinds of ‘gas station gifts.’ I don’t mean to tell you I’ve learned lessons from my bad gift giving. I mean I’ve been given some pretty lousy gifts. I didn’t think girls could be bad gift-givers. I’ve gotten thoughtless gifts, unwrapped gifts tossed in my lap, even re-gifts. From girls who are supposed to like me! Nothing tells your sweetie you care like some costume jewelry with the ‘Walgreen’s Drug Store’ sticker still on it. Gee thanks, can I go home now?

Girl: Here, happy birthday. (Toss gift into lap)

Me: Why thank you, it’s a DVD movie!

Girl: Yeah, I didn’t have time to wrap it. I fell asleep earlier.

Me: Well!…That’s…okay. Better for the environment.

Girl: You think I could get a neck rub? I kind of slept on it funny.

Me: …But it’s…my birthday.

Girl: *inscrutable staring*

Me: …Well, I’m going to go home and watch my movie now, since all my other friends already have plans for the night.

Good Idea: Seeing a Movie
Seeing a movie has to be one of the most popular date nights in America. They’re fun, cheap, and they minimize the amount of talking to be done between nervous first-daters. They also minimize the amount of talking to be done between married people who have nothing more to say!

Bad Idea: Being Blindsided by a Movie
Guys, I cannot stress this enough. If you plan to take a girl to a movie, especially on your first date, go to the theater, plunk down $8 and see the movie the night before. I know, sounds ridiculous. But, you can read the reviews; you can check the rating. But if you do not preview it, they will sneak something into that movie, just to embarass you. Something sleazy or weird or naked. Suddenly your hand starts to sweat as you hold your date’s hand. She starts to squirm as she projects her discomfort with the movie into discomfort with you. She unconsciously believes that because you selected this movie, you want her to do whatever it is that lady in the movie is doing. Or worse, she thinks you already do whatever it is they’re doing. And whatever it is, you don’t want your post-movie conversation to steer toward that awful subject. Just doesn’t prime the night for a good ending.

Good Idea: Discussing Your Faith
Often, it’s a good idea to discuss things that are important to you with your date. Faith is inevitable to come up soon enough.

Bad Idea: Discussing Your Faith
Depends on how much you want a second date. It’ll either make or break you, and you can’t always predict it. Some girls go all soft and mushy when you tell them you’re a youth pastor. That’s how I snagged my woman. Some women look at you like you have ‘POOR’ written in big letters on your face. Girls, this can backfire on you too. You don’t want your date to realize he’s suddenly on a tricycle date with you and Jesus.

Note: Especially do not discuss faith while on a tricycle date…with the girl who’s not your date…while your date says nothing and does not even feign interest.

On the one hand, that date ended at about 5:45, a personal record. On the other hand, I saved lots of money by only going on half a date and had plenty of time afterward to catch a movie with my bros.

What’s your best dating advice, married or unmarried? Worst date stories the rest of us can learn from?