What are People in Our Churches Resolving to Do in 2009?*

December 31, 2008

As 2009 approaches, many people around American churches are finding ways to improve their programs. Here are a few of the highlights:

The Preschool Sunday School Teacher, First Christian Church
Resolution: Reduce amount of glitter lost by child ingestion by 10%.

The VBS Coordinator, Hope Bible Church
Resolution: This year’s VBS will be the best ever, thanks to a moon jump, dinosaurs, a firetruck and loads of donated popsicles.

The VBS Volunteers, Hope Bible Church
Resolution: Find a way to be absent on the day the firetruck shows up.

The Worship Leader, Second Street Worship Center
Resolution: Be more emotional, awe-inspiring and sexy, if that’s possible.

The Youth Leader, Church of the Resurrection
Resolution: Remember that games where hormonal teenagers are touching each other or passing objects to one another with their faces is mildly suggestive and asking for trouble, especially at a lock-in.

The Senior High Boys, Church of the Resurrection
Resolution: Sneak away during next lock-in’s ‘new and less-suggestive’ games in order to make out with girls.

The Recently Dumped Young Man, Harvest Church
Resolution: Never ever bring up Joshua Harris with any girlfriend again.

The Young Lady Who Recently Kissed Dating Good-bye, Harvest Church
Resolution: Read The Shack. Realize I already have a boyfriend in Jesus and have no use for lesser men.

The Pastor, Redeemer Presbyterian Church
Resolution: Use the word ‘postmodern’ a lot more. Also, continue to try to figure out what it means.

The Pastor’s Wife, Grace Episcopal Church
Resolution: Stop bringing old serving spoons from home to potluck dinners, switching them with others’ fancier serving spoons.

The Greeter, New Life Family Center
Resolution: More bear hugs.

The Usher, First Assembly of God
Resolution: Stop swirling the contents of the offering plate during offertory prayer.

That Weird Kid Whose Sheep Costume Exposed His Bum at this Year’s Christmas Pagaent, Holy Trinity Catholic Church
Resolution: Don’t end up a sheep at next year’s pagaent, no matter what.

The President of the Ladies’ Bake Sale Committee, Crossroads Baptist Church
Resolution: Make people forget the Methodists even have a bake sale coming up a week after ours.

The Church Treasurer, First United Methodist Church
Resolution: Get the Baptists to bail us out.

*Very scientific study conducted by me.

From the sound of it, many of you have sworn off New Year’s resolutions? Are there any resolutions that should be made around your church?