Five Super-Preachers We NEED

December 1, 2008

There’s a bunch of people who entertain me who I hope are Christians, so when I die I can sit back while they can entertain me in heaven. What I really mean to say is that we have a bunch of famous TV pastors, but they suffer from an illness known as being pastors. They’re just so pastorly! But there’s a bunch of great personalities on TV who could absolutely destroy some of the most famous preachers, if only they had a Bible and sprinkling of Holy Spirit power. My nominations for guys who should be targeted for conversion and put on the fast track to super-preacher famedom.

Guy Fieri: Food Network’s Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives
You know that a Sunday with Guy, sporting his frosted spikes, tattoos, and bespectacled with jet black shades would be off the hook! I mean Jesus, the Bible, salvation is just money! Guy doesn’t look like he knows what he’s talking about, but he’s actually a pro chef. I think it would be the same way at church. You’d be like “Who’s this clown?” and then a half hour later, you’re just going nuts saying, “That sermon was bananas!” Plus, he’d probably show up with lots of fried treats.

Mike Rowe: Discovery Channel’s Dirty Jobs
Let’s face it, God’s got a dirty job. He’s got to keep the whole universe in order, what with about a zillion laws of physics. Then there’s the matter of his crowning achievement, the human race, which has done nothing with itself except make huge stinking messes and ask God to clean them up. The only thing humanity has produced is a huge pile of filthy rags. And someone has to deal with it. Mike’s here to show you how God’s job stands between a veritable landfill of filthy, dirty sin and ‘polite’ society.

Jim Cramer: CNBC’s Mad Money
All your personal investments: your job, marriage, kids, friends, house, car; they’re all in the tank, and don’t amount to anything. You can’t get any security, much less peace of mind. But Jim is going to tell you what a smart person is going to put his money on…Jesus. I’m not sure if that would be literally or figuratively. But he’s going to tell you about it in a sustained tone that could only be described as ‘inappropriately loud,’ all while throwing things, flailing his arms, constantly running about the stage, mesmerizing the audience either out of amazement or fear.

Cesar Millan: National Geographic’s The Dog Whisperer
Cesar teaches dogs to be submissive, to feel the calm presence of their master and be calm in threatening situations. If there’s one thing people have a hard time doing, it’s letting Jesus be ‘alpha dog.’ Jesus is like the old dog on the porch that couldn’t care less when the mailman shows up. Know who we are? We’re the idiot terrier that’s going so insane, flipping out, acting a fool, it’s about to bust a gut. Plus, Cesar’s accent is so cute…um…to all the ladies…

Honorable Mention:
Jim Lehrer: PBS’s The News Hour
Mr. Lehrer could amass a great cult following simply by silently hypnotizing people as he stares into their eyes. Wouldn’t have to say a word, just command people to look into those black, bottomless pools of ink he calls irises.