Eggnog Was a Bad Choice!

December 23, 2008

Ah, Christmas. One of my favorite parts of this day is the copious amounts of eggnog I will be consuming. There is no more appropriate beverage for such a day.

And that being the case, that means that every other day is a slightly less appropriate one for eggnog. The most inappropriate day for eggnog? June 25. Just try it. I’m warning you, it is a disaster waiting to happen. Yes, the occasions for the viscous dairy treat are very specific, and we risk hurting ourselves should we attempt to make eggnog a part of inappropriate activities. The government tries to protect us by outlawing it before Thanksgiving. However, there are still plenty of opportunities to make eggnog a completely inappropriate choice for liquid refreshment even during the holiday season. I submit to you some occasions and places where eggnog is a bad choice:

The Movies
I love to sneak a box of candy and a bottle of pop in my jacket or wife’s purse. I’m just not going to pay for movie snacks. But it would be awesomely inappropriate to completely flaunt the rules by not sneaking in a modest 20 oz. soda, but a whole quart of eggnog. I think it would be worth it and awesome to get caught by one of the ushers with a ludicrous amount of eggnog, more than any one person could possibly drink in one sitting. It just makes me think of Dan Ackroyd stuffing that giant salmon under his filthy gray Santa beard in Trading Places.

The Gym
Maybe you’ve been booking it on the treadmill for like 10 minutes, and if you’re anything like me, you’re about to pass out. The sweat is dripping off of you. So you take your squirt bottle and squeeze it into your mouth. And maybe a little on your head and dab yourself with a stale gym towel. If you’re in a Gatorade commercial, you dump Gatorade on your head, because everyone knows flavored sugar water is better for cooling off than regular water. Know what isn’t good for cooling off during a sweaty workout? Eggnog. Try squirting that in your mouth or on your head while your heart is racing, and you’re going to be getting a lot of people to ‘sympathy’ throw-up after you hurl all over the treadmill.

The Cocktail Party
To a lot of people, one of the highlights of the holidays is putting on a fuzzy sweater and sharing some “holiday cheer” in a champagne flute, and then inarticulately singing the New Year’s song. Some amateur might feel it’s appropriate to put eggnog on his turbulent tummy after a few cocktails. This is a guarantee no one will meet you under the mistletoe, ever. There’s some kind of college frat-boy adage, “beer before liquor – never been sicker.” A similar old adage applies here, “booze before eggnog, you’re an idiot.”

The Nursing Home
Let’s be honest. Eggnog bloats your digestive tract and makes you smell like death. And when it comes to old people, their sense of hearing and smell has probably deteriorated. Combine that with that general “who cares, I’m 96” attitude that old people get, and you have a recipe for disaster.

Right After Jack Black Punts Your Dog Over a Bridge on a Hot Summer Day

We know milk would be a bad choice. Eggnog would just compound the problem of having a sweaty beard and bitter tears of anguish.

What other places and time would delicious eggnog be a terrible choice?

This does it for me this week. I’ll be coming back to see all of your ‘non-eggnog’ venues. I hope some of them are true stories of eggnog gone wrong. I’ll be vacationing from writing for the week though. Have a wonderful and blessed Christmas holiday!