The Perfect Pastor’s Car

November 5, 2008
Now that all the business of the election is over, it’s time to focus on truly important issues. The issue for today: what kind of car should your pastor drive? Pastors are often times scrutinized for their material possessions, and a car gives a particular message about just who a man of the cloth really is.

What follows is a summary of various cars and the types of pastors who drive them. I don’t really know what cars these guys drive, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m an excellent guesser. Finally, we’ll average all the cars together to come up with the perfect universial pastor-mobile.

1. Lincoln Town Car
Probably owned by: Adrian Rogers
Pastor Rogers, the master of alliteration is a classy guy. Dark suits, conservative ties, a strong chin, and a booming voice. For a man like that, only the sophistication of a Town Car will do. The leather seats and strong profile let everyone on the road that Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
Five reasons Pastor Rogers drives a Town Car:
1. Locally engineered
2. Leather interior
3. Loud speakers (to hear his own radio show)
4. Lincoln is a strong name.
5. Large trunk
2. Ford F-350

Probably owned by: Joyce Meyer

America. The F-350 doesn’t take any crap from anyone, and it tells it like it is. It’s got all the grit, determination and gosh darn can-do-never-give-up attitude of Daniel Boone strangling a buffalo with his bare hands. America. There’s also no question you can run with the big boys with this truck. America. That’s pretty much Joyce. You don’t like it? Tough, deal with it! This truck is also good for pastors who need to compensate for having weak chins. Plus, if the truck isn’t enough, it can always be filled with guns, dead animals, tools, or garbage to show just what a big man, or woman you are for God. Oh yeah, and it’s AMERICA.

3. Hummer

Definately owned by: Joel Osteen

Nothing’s more American than a prosperity gospel. And nothing’s more prosperous than Joel Osteen. So it follows that there’s nothing more ‘Joel Osteen’ than driving down to the local Piggly Wiggly for a gallon of milk in an overhauled military-grade recon vehicle.

4. Toyota Prius

Probably owned by: Rob Bell

Maybe you don’t have a booming voice like Rogers, and maybe you take just a little bit of crap, unlike Joyce Meyer, and perhaps you aren’t quite as American as Joel Osteen. Your voice has a bit of lilting quality to it, you’re a little bit emo, and more ‘human’ than ‘American.’ Or maybe

you just like

incomplete

sentences.

Guess what? The Prius loves incomplete sentences! And it loves pastors who enjoy hobbies such as producing million-selling, single-word-title DVDs which were probably produced in a single afternoon.

5. Mini Cooper

Probably owned by: Mark Driscoll

Maybe you’re the sort of pastor that wears Mickey Mouse T-shirts – ironically, of course. Perhaps you preach about paradigm shifts, postmodernity, emerging generations, and organic worship.

Well buckle up, because as a pastor’s car, the Mini represents a complete paradigm shift of transportation for emerging generations in the postmodern era. Plus, it’s organic.

6. The DeLorean Time Machine

Must be owned by: John Hagee

Don’t think so, huh? Well explain to me how John could know so much about the end of the world, unless he’s from the end of the world. Where he’s going, he doesn’t need roads. Or scripture.

Obviously, you aren’t any of these people, but a pastor is called by Paul’s example to ‘be all things to all people so that some might be saved.’ That means you need a car that speaks to all Americans, all ages, all classes. You need the class of the Lincoln, the ruggedness of the Ford, the encouragement of the Hummer, the conscience of the Prius, and the irony of the Mini. Average all these cars together for the perfect pastor’s car:

The Subaru Baja

Behold, the perfect blend of classy leather seating, rugged truck-ish body, encouraging sunshiny color, somewhat environmental friendliness, and complete irony. And it might be a time machine. Show people you’re a real pastor with a car that transcends cultural boundaries.