Things to do before the age of 30:
1. Openly despise hymns as being rote, unspiritual relics of the dark ages.
2. Insist on having ‘multi-sensory’ worship.
3. Learn what on earth ‘postmodern,’ ‘paradigm,’ and ‘organic’ refer to in a church setting.
4. Drop said words into conversation, regardless of personal understanding of such words, or their relevance. Quote someone like Brian McLaren.
5. Accuse older generation of having lost its ‘first love.’
6. Demonstrate my love of Jesus in a way that is attractive to people my own age, in a way that old people cannot replicate. Worship is now ‘postmodern,’ ‘organic,’ and a new ‘paradigm.’
Things to do between the ages of 30-60:
1. Do not allow young people to take over musical worship. Compromise with a ‘medley’ of praise choruses at the start of worship.
2. Insist that Sunday still be called a ‘worship service.’ It is not a ‘gathering.’ Be suspicious of young people who suggest new and scary changes to the worship format.
3. Reject the need to learn what young people are talking about when they use strange words. Quote C.S. Lewis.
4. Drop words into conversation despite their outdatedness, and the fact that no one understands what I’m talking about.
5. Accuse young generation of living life facetiously and not knowing what truly loving Jesus means.
6. Demonstrate love for Jesus by quietly participating in worship, prayer, tithing, and missions without anyone ever seeing it or giving you credit.
Things to do after the age of 60:
1. Squawk at the ‘new’ pastor at least once a month (who has been there for 10 years) about how ‘I’ve been here for 62 years, and we’ve never done it like that before!’
2. Insist that the punk with the guitar go home, that ugly white screen be taken down, the hymnals be put back in their place, and the pastor put on a tie, for heavens’ sakes.
3. Talk incessantly about the ‘good old days’ and how the young generation is going to hell. Quote D.L. Moody.
4. Change the topic to something prior to my 30th birthday whenever someone begins discussing a topic I find disinteresting.
5. Remind everyone about how mine was the ‘greatest generation’ and no other will live up to its greatness.
6. Demonstrate my love for Jesus by sitting quietly in church though I can’t hear a thing being spoken.