There’s a bunch of Christian guys out there trying to do the same thing that every other guy is doing – find girls. For Christians, the race is sometimes more urgent as those abstinence vows were actually taken seriously. I’ve compiled a list – not out of my own experience, mind you – I don’t need a list – a list of sure-fire ways godly guys can attract the ladies. Now, there are lots of other ways, but those methods require effort: being a missionary, developing a talent or skill, being sensitive to their feelings. These methods are quick and painless. In no particular order:
1. Grow a beard. It is a scientific fact: beards make Christians look smart, more spiritual, and better prepared for the rapture. At the very least, it makes a dude look more like Jesus, and thinking of Jesus as a ‘lover’ is all the rage among SCGs. A clean shaven guy looks naive, like he wouldn’t even know when the rapture is going to happen. A beard shows you mean business about Jesus. Your beard should not be very long, lest you look like a rabbi. But it should not be too short, or some may think you have only been learned and cultured for a short time.
2. Own a guitar. How do girls know if you own a guitar? Simple. Carry it with you everywhere you go, no matter its irrelevance to the occasion. Just strap it to your back. Don’t worry about dings and scratches. Those make it look weathered and beaten from your long life-walk with Jesus. Playing the guitar is completely optional, but should you choose to go the extra mile, please limit yourself to three chords, lest she think you are some kind of secular rock-star wannabe and that is all that is necessary to play any number of praise choruses.
3. Wear sandals. Wear them with jeans, shorts, slacks. Wear them in the middle of winter. Let your feet grow dirty and calloused. That also looks like you’ve endured an enlightening journey across the middle east, like Jesus.
4. Sit in the front row at church. Nothing says enthusiasm like sitting as close as possible to all the people who are actually doing something to make church happen for you. You should clap or hold your hands up whenever possible, preferably in a way that blocks others’ view of the action. Give lots of ‘fried chicken moments’ during the message.
5. Be the ‘is he really a Christian?’ Christian. Be so awesomely over-the-top, wacky, and unpredictable in your attention-grabbing schemes, that one would be pleasantly surprised to know that you do actually spend 23 seconds in quiet time, before getting pumped up for the day. It doesn’t matter what you do – any legal, good-natured, but unnecessary time-wasting antics will do the trick. It fools the girl into thinking she will have a good project in changing you once she lands you – her rebel.
6. Be overly complicated. This one’s tricky, but works in just the right balance. Be a little bit dark and disturbed. Maybe display a general malaise or apathy about life. Perhaps you are conflicted about life or your future. Nothing says ‘this guy spends hours in prayer and Bible study’ like the guy who can’t figure anything out about his life. Somehow, this works.
7. If that doesn’t work, wear a sweater. Nothing says ‘this guy spends hours in prayer and Bible study and has it all together’ like a sweater.
8. Of course, you should carry your Bible around everywhere and have it on display. It should have some appropriate indication that it is heavily used. Heavily marked and doodled pages falling out, duct tape, a missing cover replaced by cardboard are all appropriate. Leather-bound Bibles that do not show wear should be left on Grandma’s dashboard.
9. Consider the ministry, then don’t go into the ministry. Considering the ministry makes you look deep, caring and smart. But it also scares girls, as the prospect of being a pastor’s wife and subsequent poverty is a genuine reality for many women. But foregoing the ministry has many benefits. You then get to ‘snub’ the ministry for being so button-down and ineffective – that’s why you’re going to do something to really make a difference.
10. Carry a man-bag. A backpack is okay, but a satchel or ‘man-purse’ is much better. This is not to carry anything in, but to advertise all the humanitarian causes you support, but are too poor to support in any meaningful way. This shows her that you do care enough to go to a rally or a concert and get a free pin.
Guys, you’re welcome.