Girls: How to Get Much Boys!

October 30, 2008

My previous post – strategies for Christian guys to pick up chicks is being followed up by this list for girls – again, the easy ways to be attractive, not the substantive ways that are too hard. There are probably lots more. I just don’t know that much about being a SCB (single Christian babe). But honestly, that last item will get you halfway there. If it takes you more than eight strategies, you may not be a girl.

1. Learn to cook. All guys love to eat. Any guy who says he can’t cook is an idiot, because if you can read, you can cook something. But a lot of Christian guys are turned on by traditional gender roles. That’s not to say you can’t have a job and ambitions. Maybe he’ll even cook for you sometimes. But you should definately know how to cook. Besides, how will you two look at church pot-lucks if you bring a casserole of Spaghetti-Os?

2. Be wacky. Dress in layers – lots of mismatched layers of worn out clothes. Regail others with your wacky antics. Watch some anime, then act like the characters. Bonus points if you actually throw people into epileptic siezures like those shows. If you’re on a college campus, make sure the other girls are always discussing your wacky randomness. More bonus points if the other girls discuss you running down the halls naked.

3. Carry a Bible. Your Bible is different from a guy’s Bible. It should be bound up or made to look like a diary. It should appear that your mind is so fertile that the margins in your Bible are not sufficient for your doodles, and extra pages had to be added.

4. Put away the photographs. If you ever have a guy visit your dorm room or apartment, I cannot stress this enough. There is a double risk involved in displaying your hundreds of pictures of your friends. First, it gives the impression that you have precious little time to devote to him because you and your friends have such wacky good times together. And secondly, you’re displaying the competition!

5. Purchase three guy movies. Fight Club, Gladiator, and a stupid comedy like Zoolander are all good places to start. Watch these movies. Become friends with them. You will watch these with your guy and be prepared to quote them heavily. I don’t even want to hear the mention of Jane Austen until after the wedding when its too late.

6. Pretend to have a disinterest in children. Guys know that all girls want lots of babies right now. When a baby or small child crosses your path at church, resist the urge to coo or baby talk or show any compassion at all. The guy will think he’s found a diamond in the rough. He has time to work out all his insecurities, his career, and have a couple of years of you to himself before having a crumb-cruncher to deal with.

7. Act like you’re an idiot. Honestly, I don’t know why this works, I just report what I see. Pretending to be Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde is all the rage among girls from 6th grade through college. Pretend you have no reason to be in college at all. You’ll lull your guy into a false sense of security that he’s the smart one and will win any argument. Then one day, your sweetie will be sharing an insight he got from his dog-eared Bible which he’s particularly proud of, but it’s really just drivel, and you can bust out a gem like, “I’m afraid your hermeneutic is invalid due to the fallacy of semantic obsolescence. But that’s cute that you tried, and I’m proud of you anyway. How about I buy you a Happy Meal?”

8. Have a pulse. Honestly, that’s halfway there. Being alive and possessing all the necessary body parts can cover a multitude of shortcomings.

Girls, follow my advice and the dudes will line up for a date.