My previous post – strategies for Christian guys to pick up chicks is being followed up by this list for girls – again, the easy ways to be attractive, not the substantive ways that are too hard. There are probably lots more. I just don’t know that much about being a SCB (single Christian babe). But honestly, that last item will get you halfway there. If it takes you more than eight strategies, you may not be a girl.

1. Learn to cook. All guys love to eat. Any guy who says he can’t cook is an idiot, because if you can read, you can cook something. But a lot of Christian guys are turned on by traditional gender roles. That’s not to say you can’t have a job and ambitions. Maybe he’ll even cook for you sometimes. But you should definately know how to cook. Besides, how will you two look at church pot-lucks if you bring a casserole of Spaghetti-Os?

2. Be wacky. Dress in layers – lots of mismatched layers of worn out clothes. Regail others with your wacky antics. Watch some anime, then act like the characters. Bonus points if you actually throw people into epileptic siezures like those shows. If you’re on a college campus, make sure the other girls are always discussing your wacky randomness. More bonus points if the other girls discuss you running down the halls naked.

3. Carry a Bible. Your Bible is different from a guy’s Bible. It should be bound up or made to look like a diary. It should appear that your mind is so fertile that the margins in your Bible are not sufficient for your doodles, and extra pages had to be added.

4. Put away the photographs. If you ever have a guy visit your dorm room or apartment, I cannot stress this enough. There is a double risk involved in displaying your hundreds of pictures of your friends. First, it gives the impression that you have precious little time to devote to him because you and your friends have such wacky good times together. And secondly, you’re displaying the competition!

5. Purchase three guy movies. Fight Club, Gladiator, and a stupid comedy like Zoolander are all good places to start. Watch these movies. Become friends with them. You will watch these with your guy and be prepared to quote them heavily. I don’t even want to hear the mention of Jane Austen until after the wedding when its too late.

6. Pretend to have a disinterest in children. Guys know that all girls want lots of babies right now. When a baby or small child crosses your path at church, resist the urge to coo or baby talk or show any compassion at all. The guy will think he’s found a diamond in the rough. He has time to work out all his insecurities, his career, and have a couple of years of you to himself before having a crumb-cruncher to deal with.

7. Act like you’re an idiot. Honestly, I don’t know why this works, I just report what I see. Pretending to be Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde is all the rage among girls from 6th grade through college. Pretend you have no reason to be in college at all. You’ll lull your guy into a false sense of security that he’s the smart one and will win any argument. Then one day, your sweetie will be sharing an insight he got from his dog-eared Bible which he’s particularly proud of, but it’s really just drivel, and you can bust out a gem like, “I’m afraid your hermeneutic is invalid due to the fallacy of semantic obsolescence. But that’s cute that you tried, and I’m proud of you anyway. How about I buy you a Happy Meal?”

8. Have a pulse. Honestly, that’s halfway there. Being alive and possessing all the necessary body parts can cover a multitude of shortcomings.

Girls, follow my advice and the dudes will line up for a date.

There’s a bunch of Christian guys out there trying to do the same thing that every other guy is doing – find girls. For Christians, the race is sometimes more urgent as those abstinence vows were actually taken seriously. I’ve compiled a list – not out of my own experience, mind you – I don’t need a list – a list of sure-fire ways godly guys can attract the ladies. Now, there are lots of other ways, but those methods require effort: being a missionary, developing a talent or skill, being sensitive to their feelings. These methods are quick and painless. In no particular order:

1. Grow a beard. It is a scientific fact: beards make Christians look smart, more spiritual, and better prepared for the rapture. At the very least, it makes a dude look more like Jesus, and thinking of Jesus as a ‘lover’ is all the rage among SCGs. A clean shaven guy looks naive, like he wouldn’t even know when the rapture is going to happen. A beard shows you mean business about Jesus. Your beard should not be very long, lest you look like a rabbi. But it should not be too short, or some may think you have only been learned and cultured for a short time.

2. Own a guitar. How do girls know if you own a guitar? Simple. Carry it with you everywhere you go, no matter its irrelevance to the occasion. Just strap it to your back. Don’t worry about dings and scratches. Those make it look weathered and beaten from your long life-walk with Jesus. Playing the guitar is completely optional, but should you choose to go the extra mile, please limit yourself to three chords, lest she think you are some kind of secular rock-star wannabe and that is all that is necessary to play any number of praise choruses.

3. Wear sandals. Wear them with jeans, shorts, slacks. Wear them in the middle of winter. Let your feet grow dirty and calloused. That also looks like you’ve endured an enlightening journey across the middle east, like Jesus.

4. Sit in the front row at church. Nothing says enthusiasm like sitting as close as possible to all the people who are actually doing something to make church happen for you. You should clap or hold your hands up whenever possible, preferably in a way that blocks others’ view of the action. Give lots of ‘fried chicken moments’ during the message.

5. Be the ‘is he really a Christian?’ Christian. Be so awesomely over-the-top, wacky, and unpredictable in your attention-grabbing schemes, that one would be pleasantly surprised to know that you do actually spend 23 seconds in quiet time, before getting pumped up for the day. It doesn’t matter what you do – any legal, good-natured, but unnecessary time-wasting antics will do the trick. It fools the girl into thinking she will have a good project in changing you once she lands you – her rebel.

6. Be overly complicated. This one’s tricky, but works in just the right balance. Be a little bit dark and disturbed. Maybe display a general malaise or apathy about life. Perhaps you are conflicted about life or your future. Nothing says ‘this guy spends hours in prayer and Bible study’ like the guy who can’t figure anything out about his life. Somehow, this works.

7. If that doesn’t work, wear a sweater. Nothing says ‘this guy spends hours in prayer and Bible study and has it all together’ like a sweater.

8. Of course, you should carry your Bible around everywhere and have it on display. It should have some appropriate indication that it is heavily used. Heavily marked and doodled pages falling out, duct tape, a missing cover replaced by cardboard are all appropriate. Leather-bound Bibles that do not show wear should be left on Grandma’s dashboard.

9. Consider the ministry, then don’t go into the ministry. Considering the ministry makes you look deep, caring and smart. But it also scares girls, as the prospect of being a pastor’s wife and subsequent poverty is a genuine reality for many women. But foregoing the ministry has many benefits. You then get to ‘snub’ the ministry for being so button-down and ineffective – that’s why you’re going to do something to really make a difference.

10. Carry a man-bag. A backpack is okay, but a satchel or ‘man-purse’ is much better. This is not to carry anything in, but to advertise all the humanitarian causes you support, but are too poor to support in any meaningful way. This shows her that you do care enough to go to a rally or a concert and get a free pin.

Guys, you’re welcome.

Plenty of churches have made the technology leap into the 21st century. Wireless lapel or ear mics, screens and hi-def projectors make worship a ‘multi-sensory’ event.

That being said, I think satan reserves a special curse for church AV equipment. He either wants to frustrate churches who have made the tech leap, or discourage churches that are attempting to make such a leap.

At the last church I was at, we made the tech leap with a projector and modern sound system. It wasn’t the most advanced, but it got the job done. I was pretty much the only person who knew how everything worked. Only a couple other people knew how to turn it on and off. That was all that was necessary.

So you can imagine my surprise upon returning to church after a one week vacation. I am gone one week. What happens? The sound system inexplicably is much too quiet. We’re not talking about the volume being turned down too low. I rearranged every cable and speaker to try to find the culprit. This problem persisted until I left that church, shortly after movie night was destroyed for the lack of sound. I will never know what happened during that week, but can only believe it was the result of a supernatural hex, just to spite me for having one lousy week of fun in my life.

Any time I want to do something special or out of the ordinary, no matter how many times I test it, I can be assured satan will make me look like an idiot, and some old blue-haired lady will be cackling to herself something about “I told that know-it-all preacher that satan-screen was a curse on him!” Just the other week, I wanted to show a short video. I did admit to the people that I had ‘stolen’ it from another church. It would run off a laptop through a television. I had all the necessary software, and tested it several times. Perfect. What happens when it’s go time? It runs perfectly for about 1/3 of the film. Then the computer starts choking. The video studders and is reduced to a slide show with no sound. The computer chokes so badly, it will not even stop the video so it can be restarted. Serves me right.

One visitor blurted out that it was because I had stolen the video. Classic.

Maybe your church needs a new ministry – a prayer team who’s sole domain is the church technology to keep the minions of satan at bay.

“Satan. We know that our crusade for audio-visual worship is a righteous one. The Lord is on our side, and that is why you attack us. You incite others to mock our poorly executed, under-funded video worship. You try to discourage us and make us turn back from our endeavors to enhance our music with sunsets and waterfalls. We bind you, Satan, and all your minions from terrorizing our AV equipment and frustrating our plans to use Nooma DVDs while the pastor is away. In the name of Jesus, Amen.”

A few days ago I shared an idea about a more Christian alternative to the ever increasingly popular secular video games. That game was Bible Mortal Kombat.

But perhaps you aren’t the type that enjoys impaling one’s enemies and tearing their spines out. Maybe you’re more the type who wishes you could emulate your favorite rock-star pastor. Halfway through the week, you’re just itching for some of that throw-down preaching that gets you so pumped up on Sundays you almost throw up the ‘devil fingers.’ Maybe it’s time you tried:

Yes, even you can rock like your favorite star pastors. You don’t need talent, or even a calling from God. You too can deliver face-melting encouragements to crowds of adoring fans like Joel. Head-banging bible expositions like John MacArthur, soul-thumping paradigm shifts like Marc Driscoll, and

crowd surfing

incomplete

sentences

like Rob Bell are all at your fingertips! Rock out like the guys Jesus loves most! Get that Holy Spirit fire to rain down from heaven so hard it makes you want to bite the head off a small animal! Crank that Word of God up to 11!

Shout at the devil!

Thanksgiving is coming up in a month, which I’m very much looking forward to. But I was reminded of something last night – I don’t particularly enjoy the turkey. I mean, I don’t not like it – it’s good. It’s just kind of there, but the side dishes are the star of the show. We have really good side dishes with my family.

I was reminded of this last night when my wife and I made dinner. We had some leftover stuffing. She made some potatoes. We had some green beans. What’s this? We don’t have any ‘main dish!’ This can’t be dinner! What did we do? We had a dinner of side dishes. Beautiful. We didn’t have to make another unnecessary dish, just because convention says it’s a ‘main’ dish. And we got to be a little bit lazy, which meant more time for enjoying our side dish dinner.

A couple of food makers have realized that what was their ‘main’ product has actually been outshined by the ‘filling.’ A few years ago, consumers were given the option to skip the Cap’n Crunch altogether, and dive straight into a big box of “Oops! All Crunchberries.” Nice. A couple of weeks ago, Post had the same idea by revamping “Honey Bunches of Oats.” The result: “Just Bunches.” Genius. Because everyone knows, although they won’t say it, that the flakes in that cereal are terrible and soggy.

I’m waiting for Lucky Charms to do the same. Or maybe we could get a ‘to go’ tube of Pop-Tarts filling. For those who are counting carbs. I imagine a special unmarked ‘prize’ can of Spaghetti-Os that says under the lid “Oops! All Sauce!”

I’m really going to start evangelizing for the cause of ‘side dish’ meals.

I’m sure there is some way I can put a Christian ‘preachy’ spin on this, but I don’t have the energy just at the moment to think of it. Perhaps if I sit down with a big plate of cornbread stuffing, the Spirit will move me.

Know what I love? Cutting right to the heart of the matter. Forget introductions, small talk, the weather. I want to share the darkest corners with my soul as soon as I meet someone new.

So you can imagine how much I love it when I meet a Christian for the first time, and the conversation goes something like this:

Hi, I’m Steve.

Me: Steve, nice to meet you, I’m Matt.

I BELIEVE CHRIST IS RETURNING AFTER THE MILLENNIUM AND HAVE MEMORIZED SEVERAL SCRIPTURE VERSES TO BACK UP MY OPINION WHICH I WILL NOW QUOTE TO YOU AND HAVE READ SEVERAL BOOKS ON THE SUBJECT! WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?!

Me: Have you tried this corn dip? It’s really good.

I don’t know if I have this vibe – like these people can tell I’m a pastor, or if that’s the opening line for everyone. Seriously, end-times conversations are like kryptonite to me. Know what my silver bullet is?

Me: Dennis, it’s nice to meet you. What do you do?

I work in a bookstore and homeschool my kids.

Me: That’s fantastic, what bookst…

I BELIEVE THAT ALL CHRISTIANS SHOULD SPEAK IN TONGUES BECAUSE I HAVE MEMORIZED SEVERAL BIBLE VERSES WHERE PAUL SAYS SO AND I SPEAK IN TONGUES EVERY DAY AT LEAST THREE TIMES A DAY! GAAAAAA!!!! WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT!!!!!

Me: Have you met Mike? Mike, this is Dennis. This corn dip is delicious.

For some reason, a lot of Christians have their issue, and they just have to know where you fall on that issue immediately, so they can file you in the proper category. Personally, I like to warm up with a little small talk, a couple of humorous anecdotes, before cutting straight to the heart of issues I care nothing about. I love Christians that speak in tongues and do not speak in tongues. I love Christians that have all manner of opinions of the end-times. I’m simply not interested in making these and other deep theological issues matters of introductory conversation.

Of course, there are plenty of non-Christians that have this same problem. Their cause doubles as their opening line:

Me: Claire, it’s nice to make your acquaintance.

I THINK THAT __(any politician)__ SHOULD BE TRIED FOR WAR CRIMES FOR THE OPPRESION HE/SHE SUPPORTS AGAINST __(any ethnic group/voting bloc)__. I FAVOR __(some other politician)__ FOR HIS/HER STANCE FOR/AGAINST __(racism, clean air, Wal-Mart, breast-feeding)__. WE’RE HOLDING A PROTEST TOMORROW BECAUSE WE DO NOT HAVE JOBS.

Me: …Ok, see you later!